my ex-husband gave me the divorce papers today. it shouldn’t be a surprise since we’ve been separated for over a year, but still i’m a sad pile of tears right now.
“what hurts?” asked my best friend. i answered that i cant help blaming my parents for my misery; if they would have left once the problems started i would never have gotten a job, hence i would still be married.
i know is way too simplistic, immature and borderline ridiculous. Probably the only way i know how to cope; just blame it on the people that decided to bring me into this world of pain and suffering.
But i have to get serious about it, i guess failure hurts. I’ve failed a few times in my life and every single time it took me a while to get over it, so this is me mourning my failure AGAIN. and the depressing part is that it’s probably not gonna be the last time. *insert here all cheesy motivational shit-chat of getting up after falling down, yadda yadda yadda*
Fuck that noise. I’m depressed now, this is what i feel; I’m not stronger from my previous failures. I have scars that i’m not proud of and have nothing to show for… and here’s just another one to the pile.
I failed at marriage. it only helps to build the insecurity of how many more creative and original ways can i fuck up my future relationships.
I’m a failure. I have nothing to be proud of. *insert here the kind words of my best friend, trying to point out some goodness in me that looks like nothing to me right now*
I’m used goods. Now i have to mark the status as “divorced” and the weight of it saddens me. I just feel like i have nothing else to give because i already gave it all. AND FAILED.
It’s just some papers to legalize what’s been my status for over a year, but those papers hurt as fuck.
No happy ending note for this blog post, no hopeful message. Yes i will get over it and move on, i will engage in my latest obsession and will post happy thoughts and the world will keep turning. but no, nothing will come out of this that would make this a tale worth telling, i will not be better or stronger at the other end of this deal. I will still be the piece of shit that I’ve been from birth, yet another failure to the list, no meaningful life lesson.
*insert here all the happy memories that i cherish and will make me not regret the path i took*
over and out