divorce

my ex-husband gave me the divorce papers today. it shouldn’t be a surprise since we’ve been separated for over a year, but still i’m a sad pile of tears right now.

“what hurts?” asked my best friend. i answered that i cant help blaming my parents for my misery; if they would have left once the problems started i would never have gotten a job, hence i would still be married.

i know is way too simplistic, immature and borderline ridiculous. Probably the only way i know how to cope; just blame it on the people that decided to bring me into this world of pain and  suffering.

But i have to get serious about it, i guess failure hurts. I’ve failed a few times in my life and every single time it took me a while to get over it, so this is me mourning my failure AGAIN. and the depressing part is that it’s probably not gonna be the last time. *insert here all cheesy motivational shit-chat of getting up after falling down, yadda yadda yadda*

Fuck that noise. I’m depressed now, this is what i feel; I’m not stronger from my previous failures. I have scars that i’m not proud of and have nothing to show for… and here’s just another one to the pile.

I failed at marriage. it only helps to build the insecurity of how many more creative and original ways can i fuck up my future relationships.

I’m a failure. I have nothing to be proud of. *insert here the kind words of my best friend, trying to point out some goodness in me that looks like nothing to me right now*

I’m used goods. Now i have to mark the status as “divorced” and the weight of it saddens me. I just feel like i have nothing else to give because i already gave it all. AND FAILED.

It’s just some papers to legalize what’s been my status for over a year, but those papers hurt as fuck.

No happy ending note for this blog post, no hopeful message. Yes i will get over it and move on, i will engage in my latest obsession and will post happy thoughts and the world will keep turning. but no, nothing will come out of this that would make this a tale worth telling, i will not be better or stronger at the other end of this deal. I will still be the piece of shit that I’ve been from birth, yet another failure to the list, no meaningful life lesson.

*insert here all the happy memories that i cherish and will make me not regret the path i took*

over and out

 

 

2 thoughts on “divorce”

  1. I can only imagine how you’re feeling. I ended a 6 year relationship in 2012 and it still effects me to this day, I’m not going to lie. I did learn a few things from that relationship, things I don’t want. I still have little flashback moments and wonder if my current relationship will end the same way. My younger brother went through a divorce when he was in his early 20s and he still holds that he failed at his first marriage, so in a way I can understand how you’re feeling because I was there through all that – even though I didn’t go through it personally I watched it happen. Go to your current obsession and obsess as much as you can!

  2. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

    I think it’s perfectly normal to be seemingly okay with something (the separation), and feelings to rush back when divorce papers are served because it’s natural that things heal and we get better over time, but it’s also only natural to be affected by closure or even things that have hurt us in the past. The divorce papers brought back old feelings and you’re understandably sad. I would be too.

    My advice would be to take time for you. Distract yourself with things you love. It’s impossible for you not to think about stuff, so don’t set that expectation for yourself. Let yourself think about things, and then go on and watch or play something, and then think about them more. Eventually it will get better again, because time really does heal.

    The worst thing I think you can do is knock yourself, or view yourself as damaged goods or something. Divorce is super common in the United States. It’s actually more rare for people to end up with the first person they marry, so just know you’re far from alone. I think we all just want the fairy tale romance, love at first sight, an everlasting love, etc, and it doesn’t realistically happen often. That doesn’t mean it won’t; I just mean don’t be upset at yourself that this one didn’t last. You’ll find someone when you least expect it.

    I hope you get to feeling better quickly. I broke up with my ex of five years, and I still think about him sometimes, and I still miss him, and I wonder what we could be today if I’d only been stronger back then and put more work into the relationship, but I think things happen for a reason.

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