music lost

can we just talk about how beautiful is the music on yuri on ice?

you gotta be dead not to have any feelings listening to it.

But maybe i’m too full of feelings. i don’t think i’m special, i believe everyone has experienced the joy of music in one way or another, and gods it is better than sex.

and here’s the thought that’s been tormenting me lately; i’m not special.

even though i can feel the music, i’ll never be special enough to be capable of performing it. i can try to sing but my body fails me to express my feelings. i just have no talent, and it’s hard to acknowledge but even harder to live with.

i want to be special. i want to have this one thing that makes me into the elite group in the world, anything.

but the truth is, i’m insignificant. in a rock flying through space, i’m closer to nothing.

and yet i still want to be special more than anything.

i want to feel, i want to see and touch the outcome of my “specialness”. not just the ambiguous vision some other people have of me. i don’t want to just be special in someone’s eyes.

what’s the purpose of life if it isn’t that? i feel i’m too old to do anything, realization comes too late and now i’m left with nothingness… how is one supposed to go on like this?

it’s easy to say i’m depressed, but there are no rational arguments to debate what i’m feeling. “everyone is special” what a load of shit. specially not me.

what’s special? human artistic expression. i want to believe there’s art in me, but i just don’t see it. my hands cant craft anything extraordinaire, my body cant express anything i’m feeling, my voice lacks emotion.

so there it is. laid as it is, a meaningless life with nothing to show, a spirit caged in a body that’s not good enough to express my feelings, and too late to succeed through hard work

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